The Ultimate Self-Insert Fanfiction
by imafuckingusername.dealwithit
Summary: Three twenty-something sort-of friends fall into the world of Harry Potter and proceed to fuck shit up. Things will, eventually, get even more ridiculous.
1. I Dream a- Wait a Fucking Minute

The Ultimate Self-Insert Fanfiction

 **Summary: Three twenty-something sort-of friends fall into the world of Harry Potter and proceed to fuck shit up.**

 **This is a** ** _Parody._** **If you're offended by anything written here, anything at all, feel free to hit the back button, close the window or even unsunscribe to FFNET - BUT DO NOT REVIEW. Not unless you have something relevant to say about my writing style, grammar, or plot holes. Help me improve my skills, DON'T demand I use them differently.**

 **On with The Thing.**

 **Rebecca – Not Du Maurier's novel about murder, the soon-to-be Uni drop-out**

Rebecca dreamt she was in Harry Potter; the book not the fictional character. _Ew._

 _She was running, jumping of rubble and bits of Death Eaters, hoping she wasn't too late to save Fred. Her breath was coming in sharp pants, and there was a piercing pain just below her ribcage that she wasn't sure how she got, but she carried on like the true Brit she wasn't._

 _Shit, she'd forgotten where she was going. Fred died outside the Room of Requirement right? Where was that again? The seventh floor, or was it the fourth? There was a hideous statue involved, wasn't there? Should she just start again from the bottom? Gods, this would be so much easier if she'd imagined the book into her dream as well._

 _She almost runs head first into what is left of a wall._ It's a dream. _Just_ dream up _your destination, idiot!_

 _She turns a corner. There are Percy and Fred, fighting Death Eaters with magic and each other with words, and Fred has a rubber chicken in the hand that isn't wielding a wand like a music conductor. She skids to a stop, and when no one notices her, tries not to be offended. It's not like she was quiet._

 _Fred and Percy are still talking, and she knows that when Percy makes a joke – she can't remember what it was, and who the fuck cares anyway? – Fred's going to get blasted to Kingdom Come. But should she wait until then, or go now? Has Percy already said it? Would it be like a Step-on-a-Butterfly-Kill-the-Population-of-Saudi-Arabia type deal, or what?_

 _Fuck it – she was done with this philosophical shit. She backed up a few steps, crouched low in a runners take-off and momentarily felt like an idiot because she'd never been a runner, then launched herself at Fred, tackling him around the middle. He went down with a yelp, and then yelped again when a curse aimed at Rebecca's head skimmed passed his shoulder._

 _"Oi!"_

 _"Sorry! I thought she was a Death Eater." Percy walked over to them, one eye on the spectacle they made and another on the corridor, which had become inexplicably empty._

 _Mollified, Fred turned to Rebecca, "Not that I don't like women throwing themselves upon me and clinging desperately, but would you mind giving me a reason besides my charming good looks?"_

 _Wasn't the wall supposed to have caved in by now? Maybe she was early. Now she'd have to keep them safe until it blew up or whatever. She huffed, and yanked Percy down with them. Oh, she was going to regret this later, but it was much too tempting to resist right now._

 _She folded her arms on top of Fred's chest, "I don't have any other reason_ but _your charming good looks" she winked at Percy, "I almost couldn't decide which red head I wanted."_

 _Percy squeaked. Fred held very, very still. Rebecca tried not to feel flattered, but both Percy and Fred looked shockingly different from their movie counterparts. Maybe her dreams made them hotter? Was this a wet dream?_

 _She was suddenly rocked forward hard into Fred's chest as a shock wave of magic blew in the wall behind them. So, not a wet dream then? But, look, an alive Fred! Some things are worth the sacrifice. She could always orgasm later._

 _A female's voice sounded, "Fred!?"_

 _A male's next, "Fred?!"_

 _Another male voice, deeper this time, "Fred! Percy!"_

 _Rebecca didn't recognise either of them, and why would she? Clearly Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint and Emma Watson weren't going to grace her dreams. She'd probably have to pay royalties or something._

 _Fred groaned from his position beneath Rebecca, "I knew I was the popular brother."_

 _Percy groaned from his position beside them, "I'm flattered by your…_ forwardness _, but I'm afraid I'll have to decline, Miss. And please stop molesting my brother."_

 _Rebecca groaned and rolled off of Fred onto hard and brittle rubble, which was suddenly infinitely more comfortable than a ginger's chest. Not fifteen minutes into her dream and she was already being labelled a hussy. Bloody typical._

 _It was four figures, not three, that picked their way through the dust toward them. Three were clearly in robes, because there shadows were billowy and completely gender neutral. Before the dust cleared enough to see them clearly, a new voice called out in alarm._

 _"Rebecca?!"_

 _She recognised_ that _voice._

 **Note: Not American, so I refuse to change my s's to z's. Otherwise, let me know of any mistakes.**

 **R &R Please!**

 **xoxo IMFU**


	2. Well, Shit

**Thank you to Turk4Life, HelliionWrath and moraco1 for favouriting and following this fic, and again to Turk4Life for the subsequent review. Was Epic. Be seeing more in future, I hope.**

 **Ilona – As if the dream could get any better (it can't)**

When the smoke cleared, Rebecca was still surrounded by wizards. For some reason she thought she should have woken up by now, especially if she was hearing her friend's voice, presumably coming from somewhere in Reality. But no, here she was, and there Ilona was standing there as if surprised Rebecca had turned up in her own dream. She was so unappreciated.

She coughed as she got up, lifting her hands to her face to wave away the last of the dust, before freezing. Weren't you supposed to have extra fingers in dreams? Teen Wolf had taught her that. She lifted her hands away from herself, then closer again, like distance might change the fact that that both had the normal amount of fingers, which she curled into fists to stop their sudden trembling.

Ilona, goddess that she was, pulled out a bottle of water from her handbag and passed it over to her. How she'd managed to bring her handbag with her, Rebecca didn't speculate on, because if there were a nation where it was legal to surgically attach handbags to your person, Ilona would be changing her citizenship and wearing its patriotic colours. Rebecca drained the bottle before turning to her long-time friend.

"Tell me I'm dreaming." She said, plaintive.

Ilona bounced on the balls of her feet, "I woke up in the _Chamber of Secrets._ Dude, if this is a dream, I quit reality. I will stay here in the epic awesomeness of awesome _forever."_

That sounded exactly like what Real-Ilona would say.

"You are not helping me keep my happy delusion, woman. What kind of friend are you?"

"Dude, _Chambers of Secrets._ If this costs me your friendship, then that is a price I am willing to pay."

"Traitor."

"You know it!"

"Ugh, I hate you."

"Liar"

"I still think this is a dream." She started pacing back and forth along the corridor, agitated.

"Did you count your fingers? Teen Wolf says to count your fingers."

"Shut up." She stalked toward Ilona, "Slap me. Hard."

Ilona's face immediately brightened, "Really?"

Rebecca huffed, " _Yes_. Go for it."

"Alright! Here goes…" She geared up for it, like the dramatic loon she was, and then flailed at the last second, "I can't! You're going to get back at me somehow, I know it!"

"It was my idea!"

"That just calls for an _especially_ humiliating payback."

"Just do it!"

"Just pinch yourself or something! Stop giving me anxiety!"

Rebecca was so done with this shit. She looked Ilona in the eye and said with as much sincerity as she could muster, "Colin Morgan is an ugly, fat disappointment and Destiel is made of dumb."

Ilona slapped her in the face so hard it echoed.

There was brief silence, where even the distant sounds of thrown hexes and dying people seemed to lull, and then:

"Oh, my god, I am _so_ sorry." The apology was undermined by her laughter. Rebecca's scowl was met with a deviously innocent smile, "Are you alright?"

" _Ow_."She said pointedly, palming her cheek, "Jesus _fuck_ that hurt. How did you even do that? You don't have an ounce of muscle on you." She stilled, stricken. Looked around at the rubble and what couldn't be anything but a bloodied body at the end of the corridor. "Oh, shit this isn't a dream. We're gonna _die_. _Painfully._ "

Ilona rolled her eyes, "Drama queen. This is Harry Potter! We know how this plays out. We know _everything._ We are like Gods! We could demand sacrifices!"

Rebecca raised an eyebrow, momentarily forgetting she was in the process of being traumatized, "Getting waaay ahead of yourself there, dear. They already have one Voldemort. Let's not try for one with lady parts. They couldn't take it."

"You bet they couldn't." Ilona announced smugly, "I would totally make a good dictator. Gender equality for all, misogynists shall be the slaves of their betters! Like the Amazonians."

"…you and I define equality _very_ differently."

"Well, you're full of suck. My way is _way_ better. Hermione will back me up!" She whirled around, searching frantically for a witch and her entourage of wizards who were all _long_ gone. "Hey, where did they go?!"

Rebecca rolled her eyes. Violently. "They're the main characters. They're off doing things that will drive the plot forward. What, you thought that they would just stick around for us? We're in the middle of the Final Battle, we could all be murdered violently, probably in the next few minutes. They're not going to stick around for a pair of weirdo stalkers. Besides, I'm pretty sure my relationship has sailed. I distinctly recall accidentally kneeing Fred in the groin."

"Good one."

"Thank you."

"You're still full of suck."

"I am not surprised by this, this is not new to me. You keep me pretty well informed on my suckiness. Weekly updates and everything. You do me proud – now can we get the fuck out of here before we both get blown to bits?"

"Ooh, a wand!" Ilona was ignoring her. Rebecca would make her regret it. "Rebecca, what if we have magic? I could be a wizard! _You_ could be a wizard." She attempted a deep baritone, " _You're a wizard, suckface."_

"Neither of us have the required parts to be a wizard, so your reference is invalid and you are therefore the suckface." She grabbed Ilona by the arm and dragged her groaning ass into The Room of Requirement. Ilona's eyes widened.

"Hey, when did it – ?"

"No idea. But it's safe, so we are going now."

"We're hiding?!"

"Yes. Definitely. We will definitely not be stepping on any more butterflies."

 **R &R if you'd like, especially if anything is unclear. **

**K thnx bye**

 **IMFU**


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